I have been extremely busy and I have missed you all. Although my contact with you is merely via this blog, it is great to hear how each of you are doing in life, whether through good times or bad, I really feel like I'm a part of this family. So thank you.
However, that is not my intention for writing this evening. Unfortunately what brings me to All That is Wall is something much more disturbing... for lack of a better word. Most of you do not know the history behind this story so I will give a quick summary simply to help you understand why the events of these past few weeks have been so emotional for me.
I had a very serious relationship with a girl named Bethanny when I was in high school. I was in love with her. She and I shared many things with each other and even had plans to marry rather than me serve a mission. She and I decided I needed to serve a mission and she was going to wait. I left unworthily to serve in Ecuador. A year into my mission I realized I needed to become 100% worthy to be a profitable servant, and almost more importantly, I knew both Bethanny and I would have to become worthy for each other if our marriage was to be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. I chose to talk to my mission president and he had no choice but to send me home.
The morning I arrived home from Ecuador I called Bethanny, simply to inform her of my return, and why I had come home, and that I was determined to return and finish an honorable full time mission, no matter what. She was very upset that I had returned and hung up on me. Two days later she called me back, apologized and said she understood. She said she was willing to wait for me and wanted to do things the right way as well. I have never spoken to her since. ... ... ... Two months later, I heard from a friend of mine that Bethanny had gotten engaged to someone else. My heart was broken. I became physically ill. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function.
During that same time Bret and Tevia were living in Scottsdale. Tevia had spent many hours on the phone with me and convinced me that it would be best if I left Lakeside and came and lived with her and Bret. I remain eternally grateful for them during that time in my life and ever since then. They helped me keep my focus and I was able to return to complete the final year of my missionary service 16 months later in the Spanish speaking Fort Worth mission.
Years have passed since then.
Most of you know that, like Kathy, I have a myspace profile. I don't use it to try and find new friends, nor do I look to find people to add to my profile and especially I do not date (anymore) people from myspace. However, two or so weeks ago I got one of the biggest shocks of my life; Jennifer, Bethanny's younger sister, found my profile and sent me a request to be added to her friend's list. The request sat in my que for a number of days as I thought back over the last 6 plus years of my life that I have lived without her (Bethanny) in it, yet being reminded almost every day in one form or another of Bethanny and what might have been. You see, when I lost Bethanny, I lost more than just her. I was very close friends with her entire family. She is the oldest of five children (three girls and two boys) and I was friends with each of them. Now one of them found me. I spent a lot of time debating whether I should accept Jennifer's request or delete it from my que and try to go on with my life as before.
Something got the better of me... curiosity more than anything... and I decided to at least look at Jennifer's profile, perhaps there would be a picture of Bethanny. No, there wasn't. However, there were pictures of her kids. All I could think when I saw them was, "those should have been mine children." I don't know if any of you ever have, or ever will have, such a thought, but it is one of profound impact. I quickly closed the browser and struggled for the next few days to get the idea out of my mind. Needless to say, I failed. But perhaps all for the better, because what came of it was a lesson I needed to learn.
The more I thought about the request Jennifer had sent me the more I realized I was being childish and immature by not responding. I knew I would have to if I were ever going to fully come to terms with the last few years (almost a decade) of my life. I accepted the request to be added to her friend's list.
The next day she messaged me and thanked me for accepting her as a friend. She also asked me (conversationally) what I've been up to for the last 5 or 6 years since she and I had last spoken. The following is my response to her followed by her response back to me: ** Just so you're not SO lost, Robert is the youngest sibling, Krystine is the next, then Jennifer, (Trev is Jennifer's husband), then Greg, then Bethanny is the oldest.
***Actually... we're coming up on seven years now... but who's counting? :)
So, you really expect me to sum up my last 6 years in a single email?... I dunno about that... you may just have to wait for the book like everyone else!... my life is WAY too interesting to give stories out for free!! jk!
In short... I've done a LOT of traveling, a LOT of working and a LOT of living... and I think maybe a little growing up... but, meh... who really tracks that stuff anyway?
I'm SUPER busy with work right now and these past few months, plus I'm taking summer classes as well, so this has to stay short... but it's good to hear from you and I'm glad you're enjoying married life!
Say "hola" to Big Trev for me, and I'll talk to you later!
~Jacob ***
***hey!
thanks for the update in a nutshell. it was good to hear back from you. pretty crazy to think that i'm married to trev huh?! glad to hear you are living life to it's fullest and enjoying yourself. as for trev and i we just work our butts off every day. he's done with school and working at a volvo dealership in sandy as a mechanic. i work at a doctors office but in about 3 weeks i'm leaving that to be a nanny for a newborn baby. we've been married for almost 3 years and no kids yet. we want kids but haven't been lucky enough to get one yet. we like it up here in utah, it's a nice break from the phoenix heat. as for the fam (just in case you wanted to know)....bethany is in st. george with her new hubby of 5 months and her 2 kids (maddie 3 1/2 and roman 17 months). greg is doing.....nothing, nothing at all. as far as i know he still lives at home and currently isn't working. krystine is in prescott with her little girl brookie (2 years) and robert just finished his junior year of high school. that's us in a nutshell....gotta run but hope to hear back from ya!
jen and trev ***
For so many years I've hurt over losing that family; for losing Bethanny. For so many years I thought I wanted her to hurt as I did. I though I would have some comfort in knowing things didn't work out for her, and she would "pay" for leaving someone who loved her so much. For so many years I was wrong.
After reading the email from her sister I felt sick. I felt as though I wanted to rush out, find Bethanny and give her a hug... but I didn't know why... I still don't know why. I don't blame myself in the slightest for whatever she has been through these past years, but I find I still care for her. I'm pretty sure I always will. I still don't think I will ever talk to her again, I don't think it would help either of us. But I am deeply saddened by seeing she has not had the fairy tale life she and I once dreamed of having together. I see now that I would be more happy in seeing her happy and strong in the gospel now (even if it is not with me) than seeing her testimony shaken and her life incomplete.
Life
In reality, I'm sure I have yet to experience even the tip of it all.
5 comments:
Jake
What a wonderful story. Sad, but also good. You have matured very much. Right now I am reading a book called "The Peacegiver," and your story reminds me so much of the book. It is about how we need to forgive others and focus on others. Bethany was a huge part of your life, and there is no reason, in my mind, to try to pretend she was not. We all have people who make their way into our hearts. At times they may break them or just simply go away. That is life.
The great part of your story is that you have started to move on. There is nothing wrong about thinking about her. It is quite natural to think her kids should be yours. It is god-like to wish the best for her. I hope the best for her, too, as I'm sure she has experienced similar feelings.
I think the key is to not take those feelings and do drastic things. I have seen and read of people who leave marriages when they "run into" a college sweetheart to follow those young, intense feelings.
Pain and suffering is a part of this life, as it helps us know what joy and happiness are. So few find them, and it only comes when one dedicates himself solely to the Lord. You are on your way and God will bless you for it.
You are a great man, Jake. Don't forget that.
Oh my dear Jacob, I wish I could bring you here and mother you and introduce you to girls who would see your talents and greatness! don't go back! don't sell yourself short! It was sad, it is done, and move on. There was a boy I kept wishing I would run into after I got married the first time, because I loved him and then broke his heart. long story, but after my divorce he had actually waited for me, told me he knew I would get divorced, and we dated again. it was not the same. it will never be the same. first true love is amazing. but there will be other true loves! as for those lonely nights, volunteer as a soccer coach or a hospital reading to kids. give give give. then you will receive. this I know.
Jake,
I know this must have been hard to decide to blog. Letting others see the scars on our hearts is a hard thing to do, but the fact that you can face this old ghost and share it with those who love you is such a brave thing to do.
I have known you the longest of eveyone here, and can really see how much you have grown and matured over the years. It is hard to love, and even harder to have gone throught heartbreak, but like Bret said, without those downs, we cannot appreciate the emense joy waiting for us on the other side of the pain.
I often think of my first high school love and wonder if he hates me for breaking his heart. I have since seen him many times. The first time was the hardest because we never know how the other person feels or thinks about us. (granted, i know our relationsips in HS were somewhat different from each other)But ultiamately, we have to have the confidence that the life we are currently leading is the life that we have choosen, and we can't regret those choices. Each path we take in life means there are hundereds of others we didn't take, and we can't dwell on the "what ifs" of all the ones we didn't take. That is life.
I am so glad you responded to Jennifer. I am sure it meant a lot to her, and I am sure that she will tell Bethany, as you were a big part of her life. But as the two bloggers before me said, it is over, move on, move forward and keep God at the center of your life and you won't have to look back and wonder and wish for a different life. I am proud of you, and how much you have grown up. You are a great person, a great friend, and a wonderful brother and I love you.
hey jake,
for some reason i feel too small and too young to actually comment on something like that because you have so much more life experience then me. but i will say this, you are very brave and are an example of honesty and determination in our family. and by the way i do not have a myspace and i never will!!
Jacob,
That took so much courage to blog that story. That is a great story. I am so proud of you. Courage is a great quality to have. It also took humility and meekness. Those are divine character traits. All that I have ever witnessed in you is wonderful. Stick around, this story has a lot more left to tell.
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