Best and Worst of Times

I always thought this opening was dumb, but at this point I can see that these two things can actually coexist. It has been the worst of times ever since we learned about our sons’ cardiomyopathy. It is difficult to go through all of the emotions, scenarios, and possibilities when you hear something like that. Being an optimist I have tried very hard to keep positive thoughts and have faith that things will work out fine. But there definitely are times you imagine the worst. And when Malik was shown to have the same thing as Jarek, it was hard not to imagine a future with only one son. Visions of the future without my two oldest sons are nightmares. Feelings from anger to thoughts on “fairness” and then pity for my boys have been rotating with faith and hope and gratitude for the time I have with them.

At first we didn’t tell anybody as we wanted to get all of the details before sharing our burden, but I did take some time to share with one of my employees who has had cancer. She talked about how hard it was to tell her husband and son, and how she realized they had to live one day at a time. “Tomorrow might be terrible,” she would tell them, “but today is good.” And though we still have to find out the details on the severity of their condition, I can’t help but think of things more in the “now” than in the future. I have never been one to live very far in the future, but this has brought me back even more. Even things like planning vacations and meals turn to “where would Jarek want to go?” or “what dinner does Malik want to eat?” Prayers change to focusing on shorter-term things like “please let them live to experience love and go on a mission” as opposed to worrying about their careers. Your perspective changes and suddenly some things just don’t seem that important.

It is a blessing to have Tevia by my side. And if there was a year that it would have been nice to have family by my side, this is the year. I am so grateful to have my siblings near during this time and to feel their love; not only for me, but for my children. What greater gift could we want for our children?

And that is how it has also been the best of times. As we recently returned from a wonderful trip to Utah, I couldn’t help but think back on the time we had up there. It was a blessing. The baptism we attended was one of the best I have ever been to. The game was amazing. As I sat in the sun looking at my sons, my wife and many of those I love most, it was awesome to enjoy a great game and smile, laugh, and cheer. An intimate evening with close friends was needed as we exchanged heartbreaks and hopes about our children and lives. Even the car ride home was exceptional as the last two legs I drove with Kathy, Jimmy, and Tommy and we discussed life, gospel principles and shared our ideas and lives. I was reminded of the great support team I have to be there for me in times like this. To remind me why we are here and what is important. A wife to hold me as I try to be strong as she sheds tears on my shoulder. Two sons who have shown more bravery than any men I have ever met. And this is when I realize it is the best of times.

I have lived a charmed life. But I know we need trials and pain in our lives to improve. It sucks, but I understand it. Let’s just hope I still have some of that charm left.