As mentioned in my favorites post, 2012 wasn't awesome. In fact, there were times I downright did not like it. As I look back I find that a lot of that was just my attitude; for the first time I can remember I let negativity affect my life. It seemed more like I just "made it through" the year. Looking back, it is ridiculous to have felt this way. In reality, except for one part of my life, 2012 was great. Health: fantastic. Family: great. Trips/Vacations: Awesome. But I let a frustrating job year get in the way of real life. I have never done this before. I pride myself on my optimism and view of life. I often tell people - and did in 2012 - that your job doesn't matter and that other things are more important. And I still believed that last year, but I still let stress and frustration get the best of me. It was the first year in a long time that I didn't feel everyone thought I was the best (from a career perspective). I've always been that high-flyer that overachieved and everyone loved. With my new job, and working alone from home, I didn't get that constant feedback. Add that to a very stressful year where the company struggled a little and it was my job to clean up the mess (that I didn't create) and it became the perfect storm to get me down. I began to focus on myself. My prayers, my fasts, my thoughts were all turned inward. I wanted change. I wanted to be who I was in 2011. I was losing myself.
There were several times that I almost got out of the funk. I got great advice from books and friends. But it seemed to only last temporarily. In the end I think I was just looking to get away. And when that didn't happen immediately, I was crushed. And though I still loved all the things that really bring me happiness (wife, kids, family, basketball, Phoenix weather, hiking, reading...) those things became a secondary part of my life. My self-focus took me away from my happiness. All of us go through stress. All of us have sucky months or years. But I realized that even a very positive person like myself can lose perspective. Slowly at the end of the year I began to see this. I slowly focused on those around me and not myself. I focused on gratitude for what I have and not what I didn't have. Hopefully I am through this phase for the most part. It is sad to me that I look back on 2012 and for the most part don't visualize the many blessings I have. I see what I wanted and didn't get. I see selfishness and frustration for being in a situation that was uncomfortable. I see ingratitude. I was humbled. And that did lead me to God. This brought some great moments in the year, too, and helped establish broken habits. But once again, my turn towards God was out of selfishness.
For 2013 I want to be who I really am. That guy that lives for his kids and wife. Who loves getting up at 5 AM to play basketball. Who looks forward to long hikes in 100 degree weather. Who loves the fact that he has family just minutes away. Who is thrilled that he still has hair and his laser eyes still work. Who loves living so close to a park, a church and a school. Who loves playing games. Who tries to think of others and serve those around him. I want him back. And I'm determined to get him back. So for those around me in 2012, I apologize for being a downer. I'm sorry if I couldn't bring that smile like I used to. I entered 2012 with a negative attitude. It had a rough start (from a job perspective) and I never let that go.
Here's to a wonderful year full of laughter and joy. Every day is a blessing and I know this. Let's live more in the present.
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