Okay, I am really laying it all out there for you guys. Bret says I am very transparent in my feelings and moods so it does no good to try and hide it all behind words on a blog.
I am not made of the tough stuff I always thought I was. I am finding that I am pretty lame, fearful, anti-social, whiney and well just not tough. I thought it would be a piece of cake to come out here and just go with the flow. I didn't realize that the flow here was super-lightening speed. A speed at which I and my kids just don't operate at. I get frustrated and angry becasue I want to be able to do it all by myself, but I just can't. I really, really loathe that feeling. I have never been good at accepting the fact that I am not all powerful to control my every situation. It is a strange sensation to be so helpless.
Here is something else that is unnerving to me. There are all these domestic helpers here from the Phillipines and wherever. They are generally tagging along "helping" these English, Austrailian, American... families. I happen to look like these helpers. I don't get a lot of the mothers talking to me becasue they think I am just a helper. Now, you may be thinking, "well that is dumb, why don't I just say hello and they will hear my american accent?" Well that would be because not a lot of them even look at me. They think that since I am hauling around three boys I must be a helper. No other woman in her right mind would have three kids to begin with and then take care of them by herself. That would be insanity! :) So that has been strange. I know these things are all probably bigger problemes inside my own head, but that seems to be where I have been living the last week.
The reason I am posting this on the family Blog is for one reason only. You guys already know I am crazy and still like me. I don't think I should share my crazy with all the rest of the people reading the other blog. Being crazy is a strange thing. Some days I feel absolutely normal, while other days it is all I can do to make it through the day without being admitted to the looney bin!
Anyhow, I have gone on far long enough. I am sure I will eventually carve my happy little rut here and make some friends. I will get more confident to go places with three small children and not worry about them holding everyone up. I will do this becasue it is either adapt or get run down, and for me, the second is not an option.
4 comments:
I feel for you. that is tough. adaption to an all new place is tough, and even more so with 3 kids. I kind of figured it would be hard for a while. don't over analyze. and don't be so hard on yourself. you are brave just to want to go!and although it is harder than you thought, you and your kids are still absorbing all kinds of new things. it is ok to feel the way you do. everything is different and you are not in your comfortable home where you are in control and used to everything. it is totally understandable to be lonely, worried, tired, and feel overwhelmed. and about the no one talking to you. that happens even here. Ana said people are not too friendly to them. people really don't like to say hi to new people sometimes. you will meet some more people slowly. use the time to read and write and not run all over. think peace. think "I can handle this." do one tiny adventure a day, and relax. you already made it a week!
Tevia, you are right. You are crazy and we do love you! But you are wrong when you say you are lame and helpless. You are one of the most amazing people i know! And you master basically every thing that is thrown at you. And i know that pretty soon, you will have mastered this. I was just talking to mom today about how much my testimony has grown about how God knows what each of us needs and what things need to happen in order to make us more Christ-like because that is the ultimate goal. This very well be something you need. And he will help you! Take each day at a time and take it prayer by prayer and before you know it, your going to feel all powerful again. I can only imagine how tough and lonely it might be but its just another step... another opportunity that you will master and enjoy =) Your kids love you and look up to you so much and so do we. And so does Bret. AND so does Heavenly Father.Your not alone! You are one of my biggest role models. and I am excited to see how you will amaze me once again =)
hopefully that wasnt too cheesy. Iv been a little emotional lately ...
Also, from someone who thinks constantly about teaching and children, spend this time with them. If you feel lonely... hang out with them. They will LOVE this time with you and will remember it for the rest of their lives or at least jarek and malik will!
Love you!!
I love you honey! Thanks for coming over with me. I know it is hard. But it will pass soon. We don't have to stay longer if we don't want to.
you guys are all so nice! Your words really cheered me up. thank you so much. It is often good to hear encouraging words from people who love you. I am grateful for you guys in my life and that you still love me even when i am crazy, or complaining or whatever. Thanks so much again.
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