Ever since the Rhianna/Chris Brown incident, I started wondering about which things are cause for automatic breakups in relationships. And in my thinking I would guess that things have changed dramatically over the years. It would be my guess (and in reading people's reaction to the Rhianna situation) that most people today would say that if a man hits a woman, that is/can be automatic grounds for divorce or breakup. In having this conversation with a few women I know, I would say that this is especially true from the woman's point of view.
However, when it comes to other 'errors' of judgment on the man's part, I realized that this probably isn't the case with something like adultery. From a popular/celebrity point of view, it certainly would seem that adultery is considered as something to work through. Few people would say it is good (though it seems more and more consider it 'normal'), but I don't think most people would say it is automatic grounds for divorce. Outside of the public eye, it has been my experience that this seems to also be the case. If a man has an affair, most of the times it seems the couple try to reconcile (which may or may not succeed).
In thinking about these two scenarios, I began to scratch my head as to why we would be more accepting of one than the other. Let me state that I in no way condone either of these actions - and believe both of them to be egregious and serious sins. But I would say that if we turned the clock back 50 years (or even thousands of years) I would guess that adultery would be considered much more serious than a man hitting his woman/spouse. Certainly we have progressed in the treatment of women (at least in this country - and yes, I know some may debate this statement) and this would seem to lead to us being less tolerant of abuse of women. At the same time have we regressed in our treatment of adultery? Or perhaps we have become more forgiving (certainly seems like the Christian thing to do) with adultery, but have become less tolerant of physical contact. Maybe it is a combination of both.
Either way, from my point of view, it would seem that if my husband (let's have imaginations here, I am not hinting anything here) lost his control in an argument and happened to hit me one time and had never done this before, I would think I would be more forgiving than if I found out he had an affair. Maybe that is because I am a man and can not imagine the impact being hit would have upon me. But from a man's point of view, I would think having lost control of my hand in a moment of passion isn't nearly as bad as losing control of something much more passionate and private. I am looking at this from the point of view that a man does it once and is truly penitent. Repeat offenders of either of these sins lose all respect in my eyes. From a more 'church' point of view, I'd be curious to see which of these actions would require more repentance (disciplinary actions). I'm sure it would vary, but one of these is a direct breaking of a sacred covenant that many people make with God (thou shalt not commit adultery). Does that make it more serious?
In the end, perhaps it has more to do with what the physical contact was. I believe there is a big difference between a punch and a slap (as does the law). And certainly there is a difference if the action is repeated as opposed to just one blow. But in speaking to a few women I know, even that doesn't seem to matter in terms of the consequence of leaving the man. Just one slap would seem to merit instant divorce. Just one affair may or may not.
Ironic is the fact that somebody like Rhianna appears to have forgiven Mr. Brown and returned to work things out. Even with all of the negative feedback of friends, family, and press. And according to a few articles that have popped up online this tends to be the case for women that are hit repeatedly. Maybe the true fear is that if they hit me once, they WILL hit me again. And even though all of the women I have spoken with have agreed they would leave their man instantly, I must say I've never heard of a situation where a woman left because she was hit. This may be more due to the fact that somebody probably wouldn't want to publicize it though. But maybe in reality men still can/do get away with abusing their women more than having an affair. Maybe that is why many women are so unforgiving of a 'theoretical' scenario - because they know of women who have gone through this and they will not let it happen to them.
Either way I think the woman has the right to her decision. Men should be held accountable for their actions. For me I just found it interesting that it seemed women are much more forgiving of men who make a poor decision and commit adultery than of men who make a poor decision and hit them. I would have guessed the other way around - at least for first time offenders.
5 comments:
I was actually going to blog about this incident myself but you beat me to it. I agree with most of what you say but I have to tell you that I heard the opposite of what you just explained. I have recently been driving to school because of my back pain so I do not have to walk the far distance from our home to the bus stop and the bus stop to the school and then to the elementary school in Laie and back. Therefore I have had the chance to listen to the radio for the last two weeks and every single day they bring up this issue and last week they had callers call in everyday to state what they thought. At LEAST 90% of the people who called in, both men and women, claimed that Chris Brown had a right to hit Rhianna because most of the times the girls instigate it and the boys, being "men" can not hold in their frustration for so much.
I thought this was INSANE! Even the girls would call to say that it was probably Rhianna's fault and she deserved it. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. Many people also brought up the fact that its not fair that women can hit men and men can't hit women. I guess people will never realize the difference between equality and equity. Anyways, I would be extremely scared and hurt if Jimmy were to ever hit me but like you said, I think it would hurt me deeper if he were to cheat on me. Both are pretty terrible things though and I am sad at how they are becoming more and more common.
And from what I heard on the radio today lol... was that they are not getting back together and the details of the experience were actually pretty brutal. If my husband were to do what they described Chris Brown did to Rhianna which may or may not be true, I do not think I would go near him until he got serious help.
We hardly ever listen to the radio or watch any of the entertainment shows, so I heard this happened but I haven't heard anything more about it. All my news on the subject has come from the tabloid covers at the grocery store and I never bother to trust those for accuracy. And I understand the two celebrities weren't married, but since pretty much everyone on this blog is or is Tommy and isn't really reading this blog right now, I'll stick with the premise of marriage for my comments.
Honestly, I don't think anything is the grounds for instant divorce. If you read through the articles put out by the Church, you'll see that they don't think anything is the grounds for instant divorce either. President Faust said in a General Conference in 1993, "In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being."
That's not one hit and that's not necessarily one incident of adultery. Jacob and I both have healthy imaginations and in our imagining, we have no just cause in our marriage for a divorce. We decided a long time ago that it is not an option for us - end of story. I believe that when one or both of the participants in a marriage start to find reasons why they would divorce the other one, it's the first step to a bad place.
I want to add that I've made some people very angry by sharing that opinion on divorce. I've got a divorced friend who was very, very angry the last time we discussed this. We just don't discuss divorce in general anymore. I've even have a couple of friends insinuate that if I wouldn't divorce my husband under any circumstances then perhaps I'm already being abused. To all that I want to respond that there's a difference between divorcing and separating. If Jacob hit me more than once or hit me once and was not seriously apologetic, you can bet one or the other of us would be staying somewhere else for a while, possibly a long while until we felt better about the situation and could counsel with someone, etc. Same with adultery and pretty much anything else you can think of where either 1. it had been taking place over a while or 2. no instant apology is at least attempted. Sometimes people need space. Sometimes they need a LOT of space and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think it would help if more people would understand that forgiving someone and giving them trust again are different things. I remember a quote from Joseph F. Smith or Joseph Fielding Smith (I'll find the reference - it bugs me when people "remember" a quote but can't reference it) where he said something to the effect of he would forgive the gravest sinner: abuser, child molester, adulterer in the fact that he hopes they find forgiveness, he hopes the come to the Savior, he hopes they can make restitution for what they have done and make better lives. Does that mean he'd invite them into his home and have them watch his children when he was away? No, not at all. Trust takes time to build back, lots and lots of time depending on the situation, but forgiveness ought to be as instant as we can make it.
The other thing I want to say is in response to a part of Kathy's comment: I don't think it's ok for the woman to hit the man anymore than it's ok for the man to hit the woman. What on earth gives a woman a right to be abusive? Nothing, that's what! I hit Jacob in the arm playfully on occasion just as he spanks me on occasion playfully. That's it. If I hit him or slap him in the face EVER, I expect him to react the same way I would react if he were to hit or slap me in the face. I would need just as much repentance as he would if he hit me. If reactions are the same for a woman committing adultery as for when a man commits adultery, why aren't they the same for physical abuse? I think they ought to be. The whole "weaker sex" argument is just as bogus as the "men can't hold in their frustration" argument. There are no excuses making it ok. But just because it's not ok, just because it's a sin no matter the reason or it's a since no matter "who started it" doesn't mean it needs to end a marriage.
Don't spare the rod!
... Or maybe that line won't work here.
How about this one:
Kick the dog, not the wife!
I agree with you Cari, that women hitting men is just as big of a sin as men hitting women, however the issue the people brought up was more about how it is usually not brought up legally if a woman hits a man. Now that shouldn't be the case. But men will always be stronger than women. Period. And for them to hit or abuse a woman will usually (there are always exceptions) cause more damage physically. Therefore, having a woman slap a man is equal in sin but not in physical aspects so that is why it is more serious when the man becomes abusive... of course in less you have like some crazy abusive super woman in your house.
or maybe it isn't more serious... lol I don't even know what I am trying to say. Don't beat up your spouse lol and like what Cari said, don't get divorced =)
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